Saturday, June 29, 2019

This Here, This Now


I'm sitting here in my quiet house, on the last Saturday I know I'll be alone here for the summer. I hurried through my morning errands partly because it is going to be hot today, and I wanted to be done before the heat really set it, but mostly because these hours are part of what helps me restore my equilibrium when life gets hectic.

Which is not to say that restoring my equilibrium is the be all end all. It's not. I know that. There are so many serious things going on in the world, so many people only wanting their basic needs to be met, for their humanity to be recognized and respected. So I am doing what I can for them, but I know it's not a lot. It's not enough. Some coins in cups, a meal from Tesco, a chat on the weekend, an online donation to bail someone out. We all need to work together for it to be enough, pressure those in power to do better. I think it's important, too, to recognize our own privileges and work to extend those privileges to others. Maybe we can sacrifice a bit of our own comfort for others; I know I could do this. I think about it a lot.

In our family life, we have been quite fortunate. None of us have stories that are without pain, but right now we all seem to have reached a place of contentment. I know this comes and goes, but honestly, this is the best it's ever been. It feels easy in a way it hasn't before. I see my kids growing, learning, making their peace with things on their own terms. They are so good to and for each other - they fight, and they'll tell you that themselves, but overall they support and care for one another in a way that I have hoped that they would. They are both growing into such wonderful people, and I am so proud of who they are.

And in other ways, too, life is easy. Nearly everything that we want materially, we have. Oh, sure, we need to wait to buy some bigger ticket items. We still need to stick to our budget, and I still shop the sales. But we get the groceries we want and have extra leftover for treats. If there's something we need to replace, it's no big deal to just do it. We have a holiday booked for the autumn, paid for in full, without a lot of stress. It's not always been that way, and I am not taking this for granted. If anything, there is an undercurrent of wondering if it's all too good to be true. This life, this family, this home in this city. Every night I think of all the things I am grateful for, and I say thanks. There are a lot of things to be grateful for; I fall asleep before I am done.

So now the question is, what do I do when I wake in the morning, having fallen asleep knowing I have been blessed beyond what I deserve? Honestly, sometimes I wake up and I do all the things I know are right and good, and some days I do not. But the work ahead of me is to tip the scales always toward using what I have - not just materially, but my own sense of peace and comfort - to make things better for others. I don't know what that will look like beyond what I already do. But I know that there is a purpose to having all this goodness in my life, and the purpose is not to hoard it. I am lucky, maybe I can make others luckier still.

Thursday, June 13, 2019

The Reframe as a Means of Stress Relief


I worked eleven days straight doing cat jobs, finished on Saturday, then had a full Sunday. We've had slow mornings the four days since, and I am grateful for this. Our afternoons speed things up, and I feel like getting dinner on the table is at somewhat of an internal fever pitch for me. I'm trying to reframe things so I don't feel so much stress about it - I mean, no one in the family seems to care how quickly I get dinner on the table but me, so it's not anyone else's issue.

As my business grows, I am trying to figure out many small sources of stress that I can eliminate or at least reframe, in order to keep most of my energy free for my paying job and my parenting job. And let's face it - when one is a parent, a lot of sources of stress just need to be reframed. For instance, I am not going to reject all invitations to outdoor parties because they're too stressful for me. We'd be declining a lot of invitations to parties if we did so, because it seems that I am one of the few people who is not keen on a party in the park.

But seriously: I am not keen on parties in the park. Is that weird? I don't know. I think it's either weird of me, or other people are lying about how much they like these types of parties. I do like the part where E runs wild with a bunch of other kids, because it makes her extremely happy and also helps her fall asleep quickly that night. I like the part where our friends are happy we've come to celebrate with them. But other than that? Meh. No thanks. If I attend a party, what I really want is a comfortable seat, a plate of food, possibly a beverage, and not to have to awkwardly hover nearby and decide whether or not to introduce myself to someone who is also awkwardly hovering. In parks, there is a lot more space to awkwardly hover. It pains me.

But I've got a plan for reframing this and for making it more comfortable for myself in the future. First of all, I need to plan ahead. I ended up taking E to a party in a park on Sunday, and it was all very last minute. I had originally left the decision up to J, who is not as much of a planner as I am, and he was being his usual laid back self and hadn't let me know he'd decided when suddenly, friends were offering to take E with them in their car, and they needed to leave ASAP. Because J was sorting the bookstall after liturgy, I was the one who ended up in the room where it happened, and I ended up making the final decision without a lot of time to think it over or discuss with J. Thus felt that I should be the one to commit to go to the party with E, since J didn't end up having the final say.

At that point, any or all of us could've shown up later, but J and Z decided not to go. On the way home (home! my favorite!) they also stopped at Starbucks (alas, for a peppermint mocha to ease my party struggles!), and it felt like a giant insult. I'm not keen on feeling resentment toward my husband or kid(s), so I know that in the future, I can't leave things to the last minute.

Second, I am adjusting my view to embracing these types of activities as taking one for the team. Or for multiple teams. Family team, friend team, kid team. I do not need to like everything I do, and sometimes it is really nice to do something for someone else. I have had lovely conversations with others at outdoor parties, and sometimes the food has been amazing. Also, there is the aforementioned joy and delight experienced by my youngest child in particular. So it is certainly not all bad, and again, I can take one for the team(s).

Third, I am planning ahead for my comfort. On Sunday, I had absolutely nothing with me. No food, no coffee, no picnic blanket, nothing. I had at least dressed comfortably, knowing that it was a possibility I'd end up at the party. But in the future, I need to put my own snacks in my bag and maybe a bottle of iced coffee. Even if I don't know for sure if we are going, I can put these things in my bag as insurance.

I realize this may seem strange to a lot of you. But I am guessing that a lot of you are also nodding along. (High fives to my fellow planners!) It's ok to be someone who does not go with the flow very easily, and it's also ok to be someone who doesn't like something that a lot of people are really into, like parties in parks. We can learn and grow and adjust. And sometimes? We can just stay home and let others have their fun.