Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Someday I'll Be a Waiting Expert, But Not Today

lumiere festival flying fish

I am in a life lull, and I am not enjoying it. I am trying to. I got permission from the landlord to rip up the laundry room carpet, which is growing mold, and replace it with some fresh vinyl tile, and that is a bright spot. I have hated that carpet since day one, but I think you know how serious it is when somone refers to ripping up moldy carpet as "a bright spot." I am feeling restless.

I want a job, not to replace the one I already have, which I hope to continue to do for as long as my family needs me to do it, but rather a job that I can do in addition to the current one. This needs to be a job that pays money, because the current one does not. I know mothers get paid in love or something like that, but love doesn't buy plane tickets, and we need some.

If I had to choose just one thing to accomplish this year, it would be to take a trip to our E's hometown. I often have felt at the beginning of a year that there is one thing that needs to be done, and that's it this year. It's time to make it happen, and I know it is time to point our feet in that direction. I am trying to have faith in that direction, even though I feel a touch anxious about it. (Okay, maybe more than a touch.)

I keep remembering the words, "He who is faithful with little will be faithful with much," and I am trying to behave accordingly. Even when no job offers seem to be forthcoming. Even when I feel like the best thing would be for me to continue to just be the mom of this family, but those numbers don't add up.  I keep thinking that I need to continue to do the little things, and do them well.

I need to rip up the carpet and put down the tile. I need to keep up with the laundry and the dishes. I need to keep teaching my children all the things they need to know to live a fulfilling and peaceful life as adults. I need to be faithful with the little I feel like I have in my hands, and then wait patiently for the much.

I am not good at waiting. Even when time seems to rush by, I feel the weight of waiting so keenly. After all this time, and plenty of practice waiting on the things that have mattered, that have changed our lives in all the best ways with their abrupt arrivals, I am still not good at it. It appears that, due to my lack of skill, I'm being given a chance to learn once again. I will accept the lesson. There's nothing else to do. Just wait.

So. Okay. I will.

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