The Last Day

 It's the last day of 2024, and I'm taking a moment to sit in gratitude for all that has come to fruition this year. Promises kept, obligations met, beauty embraced, and a whole lot ahead of me that I hope to meet with grace. The world is full of suffering, and also full of comfort and gentle strength. We find ourselves, as a family, in ease which we never anticipated. I think it's probably to prepare us for the work we need to do next, and I am grateful both for this ease and for the work of the future. I think it will be worthy work.

I have struggled this year, and many years, with what others think of me and how they see both my character and my actions (or, in some cases, lack thereof). I am getting more comfortable with simply doing the work I'm meant to do and letting everything else - opinions, judgments, even praise - fall as it may. The important thing is the work. Internal and external.

In 2025, may I be a blessing. Amen.

Brief Thoughts About Steady Effort

 

 

 

 

During the summer, J and I hiked part of the Pembrokeshire Coast Path. After hiking for quite awhile on the first day, we saw this view ahead and I thought, "Oh, how lovely." It turned out to be one of the more challenging sections of the trail, because while it was shady and not awfully steep, it went on and on...and on...and on. For quite some time, there was no way to tell how much further we'd have to go to get to the top. We started noticing benches along the way, which is never a good sign. How many people needed to stop and rest for it to be necessary to haul bench making materials up this trail? Probably a lot.

 

And so it is and so it goes in life. If I were a preacher, perhaps this would be a sermon illustration. But I am not, and so it is just an observation about how much more effort things often take, how things can look as if they will be easy and beautiful and actually end up being quite hard. And yet, almost always worth it. I'd been wanting to hike that trail for years, and there we were, and it was beautiful and also hard.

 

But physical challenges are the least of my efforts, if I'm honest. It is so much harder to sustain an effort toward becoming the kind of person I want to be. Sometimes I want a little break, to be honest. To hold my tongue when I want to say something sharp (especially if it is true) is no easy thing. To act in the interests of someone else at the expense of my own desires can be harder than I'd like to admit. But if I'm out here saying (and sometimes I am) that we must all do this in order for things to work, then I need to be doing it myself. That's pretty basic and obvious, I think, but we humans are not always the brightest bulbs in the chandelier. Instead of treating others the way we would like to be treated, we twist the directive to focus on how others should treat us.

It's not that there's not room for teaching people how to treat us. But if we are not willing to make the same effort that we expect of others, and also if we don't recognise that our efforts may be different due to different personalities and cultures, then we won't get very far. This applies to person to person relationships, but also to groups encountering one another. Many wars are sustained under the banner of supposedly righteous revenge, and all we get is more dead people. Zoom in and we'll see broken interpersonal relationships, so now people we love are dead and we also have lost friends. And for what? So we can be on some mythical right side of history? I am tired of it, tired of these impulses in myself and tired of seeing it play out in ever widening circles of violence.

So what now? Well, the high road, if we can find it. In every interaction, checking in, "What would I want to happen to me, if I were sitting opposite where I sit now?" And then we actually have to act on that. Which is hard, because those challenges will keep coming. In everything we do, there is an option to do better. To keep walking up that hill when we cannot see the top. I suppose we must use the benches as we need them, in order to keep ascending. I'm not sure what that looks like in a practical sense. For me, maybe it is a bit of solitude? Perhaps it is different for everyone. In our hearts and minds, we know that eventually we will reach the top if we keep going. That there will be a town there where there is a place to rest and provision for the next section of the journey. Of course, the option exists to, instead, descend to where we started, or even lower. Which one will we take? I think I know.

A Silly Snake and My Own Practicality

 

I was surprised and delighted to nearly stumble, literally, on this rubber snake on our way to South Kensington Station after Z and I went to see Taylor Swift's clothes at the V&A. While I picked up some kitten earrings in the gift shop, I think this photo is my favourite souvenir of this little mother/daughter jaunt. A harmless object that looks a little bit vicious, in a silly sort of way, is just my kind of thing. 

I'm not sure that we are Swifties, but we do like most of her music, and when it comes to generosity of time, attention, and resources, she is an excellent example. She shouldn't be put on a pedestal by any means, and certainly she's made mistakes, but who exists about which we cannot say the same? And yet I found myself wondering if people we know who think Taylor Swift is a horrible person would judge what we posted on our social media accounts. I decided it could be what is referred to in the modern parlance as a "them problem." But I still worried, a little.

I find myself perplexed by the expectations laid on people, whether they be famous or not. The voices on the internet are quick to judge, and I'll confess that I have sometimes been one of those voices. But I have realised how far short I fall of the standards I set for other people, and I think it's best to look to my own self improvement before I start telling other people how they should be. If I cannot stop ordering things of dubious origin from Amazon, can I really expect even more of someone else? I cannot. I am also very mindful these days that I am placing blame or giving credit where it is actually due - and sometimes it is hard to tell just where this credit or blame should fall. But if I am in some small way committing the same wrongs, then certainly the way forward is to correct it in myself. And when it comes to the mistakes I've made in the past, well, there are certainly enough of them to put me on par with anyone who is currently being criticised on the internet.

I had a very hard time in the autumn when people commented on what was happening in a country far away. I'm sure you know which one I mean, because the problems persist to this day. One woman went so far as to say that she would tell the children and grandchildren of those who did not speak up what awful people they had been at this time. We had just lived through a complicated situation regarding a war elsewhere, which I could not speak about for reasons which would be negated if I explained now. But it was personal, and for two and a half years I lived with this uncertainty that terrified me. And there was nothing I could do but wait. So when this other situation arose, it didn't feel right to me to say anything, after I'd said nothing about this other thing for two and a half years. So I was quiet and have remained quiet about both situations. My voice would not move the needle in any particular direction, and I prefer the actions I take to be effective.

I suppose that's what lots of my stances on contentious topics boil down to. I am, in many ways, a practical person. Add to that the limited time, energy, and mental space I have to devote to each individual thing, and it would be unwise to fritter away myself for something that will end with no ground gained. I want what I do and say to be effective and helpful. So I ask myself firstly if what I think should happen actually can happen. Idealism gives us something to aim for, but if we can never reach it, then we will only live our lives frustrated and angry. I think a better question might be, "What is the best possible outcome?" And then figure out how to get that. Sometimes there is a big gap between what can happen now and what is possible with time and a lot of effort. So we do what we can now and (hopefully) make a plan for the future. It can be hard to look at a world full of suffering and not want things to happen now, and not understand why others cannot get on board. Add to that our addiction to instant gratification, and it is a tall order to slow down and make plans, to accept that these things always take longer and are more tedious than we'd prefer. 

And then there are the sacrifices necessary to get there. I am not very good at sacrifice. See the aforementioned Amazon habit. I am trying to get better at it. I know that if I truly want to do good in this world, more will be required of me than I'd often prefer to give, and it is better to practice this now than to be caught unprepared later. So I guess that's where I'll leave this for today. In the midst of mulling over all of this, on my way downstairs to make some progress toward putting dinner on the table.

Until next time...

To Catch You Up

 

 

 

 

Well, I just walked away and left this, didn't I? It wasn't intentional, or at least being away this long wasn't intentional. Life proceeded with such demands that this didn't make the list of things to do, or sometimes even what I'd like to do, most of the time. These past four years have been full of meeting needs, adjusting to changes, addressing the gap between expectation and reality, and finally, figuring out how to take care of myself a bit better.

In our family, the person who has the most acute and urgent need gets the attention, and most often it wasn't me. Having had to learn somewhat early in life how to just carry on whether I liked it or not, I have kept doing that. And while it serves me well most of the time, it also leaves some gaps. All this care of and for others, and who was going to take care of me? Well, mostly me, and sometimes not so well. Between my last post and now, I have shepherded one child through GCSEs* as a home educator, settled two into school, and looked after my family in every possible way. By the time 2024 hit, I felt a little bit done with a lot of things, prompting the thought that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't doing anyone any favours by doing things that shouldn't be mine to do. I've been scraping things off my proverbial plate ever since, and I feel better. It's still a work in progress, but I'm trying.

So here is where I am today: in a house we have bought (with a mortgage of course), absolutely delighted by decorating it however I want, no landlord permission required, and incredibly grateful for the people who do the tasks I cannot do in order to bring my vision to life. I have the kitchen of my dreams and a carousel camel in the back garden that I am scraping paint off of whenever I get a moment. This has been the greatest surprise and delight of this phase of adulthood. We've been in London ten years now, and it feels wonderful to have settled into our life here in this way.

I am no longer home educating (er, mostly). Z passed all her GCSEs* and is about to embark on her second year of college** whilst finishing up an Art & Design BTec*** with my, ahem, encouragement. It was clear that E needed things both socially and educationally that I could not provide through home ed, so she is settled into secondary school. There is a lot I find to be troublesome about the current system in place, but it's the best of the imperfect choices available to us, so I am trying to look on the bright side, despite feeling quite strongly that fifteen classes is too many classes for tweens. What's good is very good, so we will just take it.

I am still running a cat sitting business, which I have shrunk deliberately by not replacing clients who no longer need my services. I still love all the cats, but if I am honest, I'd love to be done with it entirely. However, it's nice to make a bit of an income to supplement our DIY budget. We are incredibly lucky that J's salary is enough for all four of us to live on. I honestly don't know what we'd do if we both had to work full time - it would be absolute mayhem. Whenever I feel tempted to complain about how busy I am, I check myself, because I am in no way truly suffering.

At church I remain the parish council secretary. I have no idea if I have mentioned having the job before, but it has led to acquiring more jobs along the way (all as a volunteer, of course), including being in charge of camp paperwork. I am happy to put some of the time I have to use in this way, and in terms of camp, I am very happy that I can do paperwork as opposed to living in a tent for eight days and cooking outdoors for thirty children. I love planning things, and I am already scheming for how to get everyone to turn in their paperwork more or less on time next year. (Feel free to laugh; we all know how this goes.)

I am, on the whole, content. It has been a surprise to find that this season of life offers a bit more ease than I have been used to. I am still busy in a lot of ways, for sure, but the pace and effort is not so frantic. I am grateful for that. Long may it continue.

*Please google this; I am not prioritising telling people individually at this time.

**This is the British meaning of the word college, which is not the same as university.

***Please also google this, for the same reason I'd like you to google GCSEs.

Focus on What Matters

 

I haven't written here since the pandemic swept away the version of normal we were living, because I wasn't quite sure what to say. I'm still not, but I am going to say a few things anyway. We've been through one full lockdown and may be entering another. I must confess that I don't mind much about this potential second one. We learned a lot of lessons in the first one about appropriate levels of preparedness, and I think that we will be fairly comfortable through a second one. Which makes us some of the lucky ones, I know.

To be honest, I don't understand the people who are grousing about things going back to normal and needing to get out and and do all the things they like to do again. My compassion and empathy extends primarily to those who have lost loved ones, who have had Covid and are still recovering, who have lost jobs and homes and all the big things that are essential to living. I think it is petty and disrespectful to complain about wearing masks and not getting to go to brunch. There are so many worse things. 

I do miss things that we used to be able to do, but it's a trade off. Because this slower pace has benefited us greatly. To have the pressures on our time, our energy, our money erased in one fell swoop was in no way a tragedy. We were busy, we were tired, we were a bit on edge in too many ways. And yet we couldn't seem to remedy the problem. I was saying no and quitting doing things that weren't a good fit, but things were still incredibly stressful in the day to day, for me, for my husband, for our kids. We have all expressed relief at not having so much to do anymore. We are not keen to go back to the old way of living.

For me personally, lockdown has pulled the things that matter into sharper focus. Far from being tired of having less to do and wanting to take on more, I have realized that there are more things I need to quit doing if I want to be the kind of person that I long to be, if I want to do what I do well. While we have been homebound, I have swapped frenzied activity for pursuits that are sustaining and sustainable. So as we have eased back into doing things outside of home, I have put time limits on some of them. Others I've committed to making part of the life that I want to create for myself and for my family, so that as we extend our activities outside our own home, we are well prepared.

It's not been the easiest thing, figuring all this out, but I have come to a place of feeling peace about how things are now and where we are headed in the future. I am working on letting things unfold, being diligent in the ways I need to be diligent and otherwise allowing room to just be. I know that there will be more to learn and new ways to adjust as we go forward. In particular I want to make sure that these good things that have come to us translate into us sharing that good with others, especially those who are suffering as a result of the pandemic. 

But I feel as if we have time, a little space to breathe and figure it out. Keeping close to home gave that to me, to us as a family. I'm not sure just how to express gratitude for this when what gave it to me has been so awful for so many. But I am thankful to be here now. At home, with things in better focus.

The Legacy of the 2010s

I wasn't going to make a big deal about it being a new decade. What is ten years? Just a measure of time, some would say an arbitrary one. But 2010 was the year that made of me something I hadn't been before, and thus that decade changed me straight out of the gate. In 2010, a judge declared that I was legally someone's mother. And again the same in 2012. Two daughters. There is nothing that has changed me - and my entire life's trajectory - more than they have. For the better.

I live in an entirely different country because shortly after we returned from the vacation during which this photo was taken, in London, I realized that I could do better for my children than the city in which I had gotten comfortable. I dreamt of a future in San Francisco, of putting down roots, until I didn't. And I credit my children with reviving a dream we'd had years earlier, that got set aside in the whirlwind of parenthood and just plain life. Would we have moved to London if it weren't for them? I'm not sure. My husband and I give very different answers when asked why we moved to London, so maybe we would've done it anyhow. But for me, it was for the kids that I got serious about it, and I would've happily stayed in our flat with a view of the ocean if I hadn't felt that this city would be better for them. Which is not to say that I didn't want it for myself as well, because I did. I had just given it up in favor of embracing where we had landed at that time.

Many women speak of losing themselves in the midst of motherhood. In many ways I feel like it made more of me, gave me more than it took and continues to take. Living in this city isn't even the half of it. I am gentler with myself. I see more clearly what really matters. I am softer and also stronger, in mind and in body. In this past decade of caring for my children, indeed of giving up most of my time and energy to care for and educate them, I have experienced how fleeting this time is. Giving so much of myself over to the part of me that is labeled mother during this season has not been a mistake. This I learned during the 2010s. My kids only have one childhood, and it is going by so incredibly fast. I look back on the 2010s as the golden years that they were. We were together, the four of us, more than we ever will be in the future.

This precious time in which they are with me most of all will be gone in a year and a half if Z's plans for her education hold firm, and then from there proceeds the slow transition into a time in which mothering will not be the main thing I do. The 2020s will take us into E's last year of compulsory education, but beyond that I don't really know what will be going on. I welcome whatever the gifts and lessons of the 2020s will be, because the 2010s have been so generous to me. I have some hopes, but few expectations. I learned that from the 2010s as well, to let go a little of my tightly held desires and plans. Things have turned out better than I hoped and planned in all the ways that matter. I know I sign off a lot by saying this, but it remains true: I am grateful.

WHAT

What happened? Where did the time go? Should I even be asking these questions, which are basically pointless?

I've had a lot of days in a row in which I woke up, started doing things, and didn't stop doing things until I laid down to go to sleep. Sometimes it's been hard to shut my brain off, and I just accept that and do a little reading or whatever might help me slide from doing doing doing doing into relaxing and letting go. At times ten minutes of reading will do the trick, but then there are nights that it takes an hour or more. In those instances I feel that I just need to finish thinking the thoughts that got interrupted during the day, and I let it happen.

I went through a small crisis of - well, I'm not really sure - at the beginning of December. It just felt like my optimism had bottomed out. I could see clearly that some things in my life were improving and moving forward, but there was a weight that had settled on me that felt like there was too much which remained unresolved. For the end of the year that I had pegged optimism as one of my guide words, this was a sorry state of affairs. I feared I would end the year in pessimism instead. And then I felt a gentle nudge, a small reminder that perhaps I had felt this feeling before? And that it did not mean certain doom? The realization was slow to come, but I got there somehow. This is the feeling of waiting, of expectation, of - dare I say it? - hope. Not a shallow hope that sings sweetly, but a deep knowing that there is something else afoot, and that my work is not to sink into this feeling but to wait through it.

After all this time, I am still not very good at waiting. I've had lots of practice. I've seen patience pay off. Yet it remains a challenge for me. I want to move steadily forward, with some degree of predictability involved. But it is not so most of the time. I know what I am meant to do in the now. I know the small ways I am to do the work of waiting. So as this year comes to a close and the next makes its way around the corner, I find I am prepared for what is ahead, though I don't know exactly what that might be or how long it will take to get there.

I wasn't sure if I would choose words again this year, but it turns out that some have emerged which will be useful to me. Once again, permanence is at the top of the list. There are things we need to do to secure things for our children's future, so that the choices we wish to be available for them will be theirs. Second on the list is perseverance. None of these things we want are going to come in an instant, or at least I don't think they will. I will need to continue to focus my efforts and see things through, to take the long view when short term gain seems more appealing. And for both of these other tasks I need patience. So now I have a third word. Yes, that's right, the woman who once scorned the "word of the year" thing now has three. I know. Oh well.

Nearing the End, But Not at the End (Slow Down!)

I keep seeing posts saying that it's the last month of the decade, and today I finally squinted at one with dismay and said, "It's still November." Are these numbskulls trying to rob me of my favorite month of the year? Or are they just in a hurry, as many of us seem to be? I am trying to be less in a hurry, thank you very much, so pipe down about the last month of the year and related nonsense until it's actually the last month of the year. And you can skip it then, too, actually. But if you must, please be correct, is what I'm saying.

I've been doing a lot of DIY and seem to have had a burst of culinary creativity. Right now I've got two slow cookers going, some cabbage (hopefully) turning into sauerkraut under a tea towel, some fig jam cooling in jars on the countertop, and injera batter bubbbling gently as the yeast multiplies. This burst began Wednesday, when I woke up to finish organizing the books on the living room shelves. I spent a week and a half taking out the carpet and painting the floorboards white in there, shifting furniture gradually as I went, and the result now that it's done has been a certain gladdening of heart and increase in motivation to do other things. I don't know why.

Well, I do. It's the same reason that my new (to me) shirt makes me feel good. Our surroundings matter. I sometimes wish this weren't true, but then think of all we would miss out on that is good in the world if our surroundings were neglected. Most creative things, I think. I struggle with the balance between creating a space around myself that is peaceful and beautiful, and making sure that I do not do it at the expense of other things (and people) which are more important. (Or maybe as important, but in a different way.) Should I be spending £30 on a can of floorboard paint when there are more and more homeless people out in the cold? What about that same amount on new-to-me clothes? These are things that I think about.

But that's not the point of this post, or it wasn't when I sat down to type it out. I have been thinking a lot about the close of the calendar year and what I hoped would happen during 2019. The theme of the year was permanence, with optimism tagging along. I'm not sure if I've gotten better at optimism. I think maybe what I've gotten better at is acceptance and having a sense of humor when it matters. Permanence, though, we seem to be making some progress on as a family.

In the summer, J received settlement status (also called indefinite leave to remain), and we signed a three year lease on our current house. Three years is a good long time to plan to be somewhere, and makes it worth it to change some things that are bothering me - thus the DIY. J receiving settled status means that the other three of us may now apply, and I will take what a friend calls "the stupid test" - aka the Life in the UK test - on Thursday. Will we have the applications in before 2020 comes calling? I hope so. It will be nice to have that settled (pun intended).

While I can't say they come under the banner of permanence, there are also some other questions which were settled and some responsibilities that I let go of this year. It feels like I am moving forward with a better sense of what works for me. Maybe I am moving into a more permanent life balance? It would be optimistic to think so, but as that was my other word for 2019, I'm just going to go with it, and now dash off for a little more DIY (new curtains!) before dinner.

That Monday Feeling

This is how it goes. I wake up in the morning and stumble downstairs. Make coffee, give treats laced with herbal drops to the cats, return to drink the coffee in bed. This is a luxury, and I know it. My children launch themselves onto the bed. What's for breakfast? Why that again? Ugh. I remind my youngest that this is not a restaurant. My oldest wants to recount her dream to me, loudly. There are arms and legs everywhere, including in my face. Two nights ago I got kicked in the head, hard, as one child launched herself off the other child's bed, just after I'd asked her to please lie down quietly if she wanted me to stay in the room until she fell asleep. My hand instinctively smacked the foot away from my head, and the owner of the offending foot felt I did not apologize enough, or as sincerely as she would have hoped. Good parents don't smack their children. Yes, but it wasn't that kind of smack - I was attempting to protect my head. She told me to go away, then later to come back. That night, I went to bed with a headache.

But this is today. Monday. Neither of my children wants to listen to the school readings. Neither wants to make an effort at math. I fantasize about sending them off to school every day, and I try in vain to impress upon them how very easy they have it, studying with me for a few hours instead of spending the entire day doing what someone else has decided they should do. I tell them I am not going to send them to school if they don't wish to go, but I also tell them that if they don't learn these very basic things, they will end up adults with 800 roommates and no good food in the house. Forget about complaining that the pastry I bought is not something you find to be delicious at this moment in time; you might just have one moldy orange. Maybe a brown banana. You'll have to come to my house and admit that you were wrong when your were seven and twelve years old, and you should've studied when I asked you to, and now you are broke and hungry, and you would like to eat dinner at my house, and I will say yes because I am the nicest mother in the universe.

Later, my oldest complains because I will not tell her what to write down for the assignment she is meant to do for a teacher who is not me. I tell her that I cannot do her work for her. Well, I could, but I don't really have time for it, and that would defeat the purpose of getting her to the class every Thursday; she's meant to learn something by attending. I don't have much patience, time, or energy to wait for her to stop complaining and give me something to help her with. Because I've just done an unplanned dead mouse excavation in the fridge area and I've got to have dinner made by five because it is ballet night, and if we don't eat at five, we won't eat until eight-thirty, and that is not going to make anyone happy. Aren't we already grumpy enough?

I feel like I've gotten nothing tangible done, so I decide to make half the meal out of leftovers, giving myself ten minutes to reorganize a cupboard. I need to see some sort of results from my efforts. The dead mouse in the outside rubbish bin doesn't count. Both my children make noises of disappointment about various things, but I push the noise into the background and finish my task. I make a cup of tea and walk upstairs. I've got thirty minutes until I need to cook the chicken that will make a meal out of the random leftovers, so I type this out, quickly. I need to do a couple of strength training exercises. I need to get dressed. I've got to go. See you next time.

A Change is Not as Good as a Rest

It's been eighteen days since we returned from our holiday in France, and every single day we've had something to do. This is why we needed a holiday. As much as we have tried to slow our life down, it just hasn't been working out. So we have to take time that is not meant for anything other than relaxing and resting. It's necessary for a healthy life. Nothing else will do.

In Paris, we visited friends, and that part was delightful, but the rest wasn't my favorite. I know many people who adore Paris, but I found it to be too much like the bits of London that I needed a break from - big, busy, and with a language barrier to boot. I can speak enough French to order food and find the public toilets, but that's about it. I felt overwhelmed and lost in Paris. Having been busy until the very last moment before we left (I even did a cat care job the morning of our departure), I had no time to make touristy types of plans, and upon arrival, I didn't have energy to figure things out. So we went a couple of places, and it was ok, but I did not fall in love with the city.

Nice, on the other hand, feels like home. London is our day to day home, and Nice is where we get away to a different kind of familiar. We slept in a lot. We stayed in a lot. We went to the beach and we ate food I didn't have to cook and we got ice cream every single night, like always. It was just what I needed. Before we went away, I was hitting an afternoon energy slump around 2 or 3pm every day, and I thought it was because I was eating poorly or maybe because I needed more or a different kind of exercise, but in reality, I was just plain tired. When we came home, I didn't get that energy slump every day. Because I was rested.

Now I find myself slipping back into the same habits that put me onto the treadmill of exhaustion, and I am trying to step back off. The past couple of days I've had that afternoon slump, and I now know that it is possible to live life without it, so I'm just not willing to put up with it. I've noticed my kids getting stressed again as well, so I am intent on figuring out a way forward that won't leave us all exhausted and in need of a holiday before we can get one.

As always, the biggest shift is in my own thought processes. What needs to be done? Who can I say no to? Just how clean does the house need to be if we invite people over? (Answers: less than I initially think, lots of people, not very clean at all.) I also have found that breaking up big tasks into much smaller pieces is helpful for me. While I prefer to do things all at once, sometimes it's just not possible. So I put a couple of things away when I go into the kitchen to make a cup of tea instead of putting away every small thing that is out of place on the counters. I rearrange and sort through a few books at a time instead of doing all the shelves in the room.

And I am relaxing about my children's education. Again. As always. It's a constant battle to do what I set out to do as opposed to what I feel pressured to do by the prying questions of others. Sometimes a question will lead me to finding a better way of teaching or providing resources, but mostly these just serve to make me anxiously question if I'm good enough. I'm not opposed to doing a little questioning and evaluating - it is my children's future that I'm attending to, after all - but to be doing this somewhat constantly serves no good purpose. In fact, it's counterproductive.

So here I am again, slowing it down. For my kids and for myself, and I suppose in some ways that may extend to J as well. Slow and steady is better than burnout. Doing what works for us is better than never being questioned. These are the things I will keep in mind.

(PS - Isn't that cat in the photo cute? Z and I met him at the Musee des Beaux-Arts in Nice. His name is Texto.)

Preparations

We are now entering the pre-vacation period, during which I will be attempting to force my children to eat the random bits of food which might go bad while we are away. I will also be refusing to purchase food they actually want to eat. As you might imagine, this is all very pleasant for everyone, and there is absolutely no complaining.

We began packing yesterday. Now freed of all responsibility for cats which do not belong to us, my mind is clear, and I can think about things like dishwasher tablets. You might not think that one needs to pack dishwasher tablets for a holiday on the French Riviera, but some of us do. The flat rental company gives us two dishwasher tablets, and we are staying for ten days. The minimum amount of dishwasher tablets available for purchase in a single packet at the local Monoprix is eighteen, and they are not cheap. So I am packing dishwasher tablets. E thinks this is weird, but E also doesn't want to do all the dishes herself in the sink, so she has nodded and wandered off to do something that makes more sense.

I am very much looking forward to this holiday. As always, we are going to Nice, but this time we get to spend a few days with friends in Paris, too. I'm not one to want to go a lot of new places and do a lot of exploring on holiday; I used to be, but that was when I wasn't responsible for two minors who don't find getting lost in a new city to be an enriching experience. There's a pressure that comes with traveling with kids, and one thing I have quite enough of in my day to day life is pressure. On holiday, I want to mostly relax. So three days in Paris is good, but it's enough.

In Nice, we'll do the same things we usually do and even staying in the same flat we've been staying in for the past two years. We'll go to the beach, we will eat ice cream every night, we'll wander around Old Town. We may try to have a few new, simple adventures, but nothing stressful. If things go awry, we can come back to the familiar. And we will rest, and that will be oh so nice.

Now With More Cats Than Ever Before!

I am spent. I mean, whoa. We had our first day of structured homeschool work today and started up extracurriculars as well, but that's not it. I had twenty-three days in a row of cat work (I said twenty-two in the last post, but I'd miscounted), but that's not it either.

It was the three extra cats in the garden that did me in.

Normally I love all cats, as many cats as possible. Professional cat lady-ing remains an excellent fit for me, and having six different cats that I looked after during this long run of work was fabulous. I also adore kittens. KITTENS FOREVERRRRRR, am I right? But it turns out that having the responsibility of feeding a stray who is nursing kittens, figuring out where the kittens might be, then socialising the kittens and finding homes for all three once all were in our garden is, how shall I put this? A bit much. At least, it is while I am working most mornings and every evening and trying to get some other time sensitive tasks done.

I am not sorry we did it (and are still doing it, in some ways, more on that in a sec). I wouldn't have left the mama to keep stealing food from the neighbours' kitchens. She is such a sweet, personable cat, and it is a treat to have her sweet face show up at the back door every day (multiple times a day). And I wouldn't have left the two kittens to become feral in the garden either. I wanted them to have a good, permanent, indoor home before autumn arrived, and with hard work (crawling slowly across the garden, food in outstretched hands), we made that happen. They went to their new family on Saturday, and I felt happy and sad all at once.

Regardless of the hard work, kittens are cute and fun and impossible to avoid falling in love with. If you've ever had an animal that is terrified of you, the giant human, learn to trust you enough to lick the last of their dinner off your fingers, you know what I mean. Loving those little furballs is simply unavoidable. So we loved them, and now we've let them go. They are settling in beautifully at their new home, and I honestly could not be more pleased with how it all turned out for them. All that hard work? So worth it for our roly poly little loves.

As for the mama, she is due to be spayed on Wednesday, recuperate at our house before a further vet check, then go to her new home on Sunday. She will live with good friends of ours, and we will get to see her often. I have become incredibly fond of her, and I don't think I could've let her go to just anyone. This is all getting wrapped up so nicely, we may as well put an imaginary bow on it.

And I won't lie that I will be glad to have the responsibility fully off my shoulders next Sunday. As much as I adore all three of these cats, I felt like we went beyond peak cat and straight to what have we done? I am ready to get back to normal life, or at least as close to normal as we ever get.

Working and Working Ahead

This is where I've been. And everywhere else. Palaces, smaller cities, the seaside, lots of places we can get by train. But sometimes just stuck under a kid or a cat or both. Managing some needs, trying not to get kicked in the face when the snuggles turn to acrobatics. Being accused of being really mean when I am not up for cleaning up everyone else's stuff. Standard mom stuff, really. We go through these days sometimes, when we're all checking to see what's ok with everyone else.

Today I begin a twenty-two day stretch of cat jobs. I've never done such a long stretch before, but I think it will be ok. I'm keeping my eye on the prize, and the prize is paying for all my kids' classes and my husband's new iPhone. Also we've got a holiday in France coming up at the end of September, and it would be nice to have some extra in the family coffers for that. We've always done budget holidays before, looking after every penny spent. People say that it's not money that matters, and while I'll agree with that overall, it's also true that being on a strict budget is stressful. I don't want to be stressed out on holiday; I'd rather get that stress out of the way ahead of time. By snuggling cats.

In preparation for these twenty-two work days - and the fact that our term time activities start up the day after I'm done - I've tried to do as many things in advance as possible. I don't want anything lingering on my to do list that might be difficult to manage when my brain is a bit foggy from early mornings and more to juggle in the evenings. I wrote our annual home education reports for the local authority to peruse, I've prepared everything I need for some meetings that will occur, I've started my Christmas shopping.

Wait.

What did I just say?

Ah, yes. I said I've started my Christmas shopping. That's true. Obviously I don't need to have that done within the next three weeks, but I figured why not? I've never liked leaving it to the last minute, and I've got a good idea of what everyone on my list wants. My usual goal is to be done by my birthday at the end of November, but this year I'm hoping to have the bulk of it done before we go on holiday at the end of September. I understand this might sound a little bit silly, but I know how quickly the autumn goes by, and this year we've added some activities to our schedule, which will make it go lickety split. For me, having those gifts bought and stowed away before we go on holiday will be an early Christmas gift to myself. So I'm going to make it happen.

But right now? I'm off to cat job number one. I'm ready. Let the (snuggly) work begin.

A Break and Some Work

We are halfway through Z's stay at camp. This is the last year that Z will go and E will stay home, so I am trying to make the most of these days that we can do all the things that E likes and Z only barely tolerates. Thus we went to a trampoline park last week. I am like Z in that I find the trampoline park to be unbearable, but sometimes we do unreasonable things for those we love.

On Friday we took the high speed train to the coast for a beach day. This was not unreasonable, nor was it something that Z particularly hates, but it's something that is very much E's thing. She is happiest in the water, preferable with an inflatable contraption of some sort and a variety of sand toys. So J took a day off work, and we went, and it was good. Exhausting also, in the way that hauling all the beach stuff there and back and spending the day in the sun in exhausting. I was glad to go, but also glad to come home.

Last night found us hosting children's vespers, which is what I consider the last of the summer obligations before getting a proper summer break. And by proper summer break I really just mean not having to keep up wtih schoolwork or housework in any meaningful way, and not having anything of note on our agenda. The rest of the month of August stretches out before us, mostly empty. I think we need this badly, for a mental break as much as anything. J will go to work, and I will run my cat care business, but that's about it. It feels good to look ahead and see very little on our immediate horizons.

But of course I am mindful of what goes on the rest of the world. It continues to feel strange to have so much going well for me/us personally while there are so many truly awful things happening. I'm not typing this up while blissfully ignoring the fact that there were two mass shootings in the USA within 24 hours over the weekend, and that both of them were committed by white men, while the President of the United States continues to villify people who are not white. Meanwhile here in the UK, someone who makes racist jokes and statements on the regular is now Prime Minister.

Is racism alive and well, and growing within a new generation of young adults? Yes. If you look at the age of those who have committed acts of white supremacist terrorism, they are mostly young adults. I'll admit I feel powerless to stop it sometimes, but as someone who benefits from white supremacist power structures, I consider it my duty to dismantle those structures. It shouldn't be down to the victims to fight the oppressors. It should be down to those of us whose lives are not on the line, who have more time, more energy, more unearned privilege. I also recognize the great privilege of having been able to move my children away from the particular intersection of racism and gun violence that exists in the USA. My worries are not overwhelming in this regard, and it does give me more mental space to figure out what to do next, how to help best.

I think some of it comes in the form of conversations with those who are open to dialogue and changing their minds. Those who want to defend their choice to vote for Trump are not on my list; that's pearls before swine territory. If you come in only wanting me to understand why you voted for him, and for me to agree that it was fine for you (or your friend, cousin, parent, etc.) to vote for him, well, it's not going to happen. I do understand why some people who are otherwise kind people voted for him*; it doesn't mean I will agree that it was ok to do that. But some people are beginning to realize the great evil of voting in a man who encourages violence against those who are not white, and I think that we could figure out a way forward together.




*Full disclosure: I think lots of people were deceived. As someone who is often deceived myself, I am not judging or saying you are a bad person. But I am saying you must recognize the great harm this has caused and do your best to clean up the mess that you helped make.

No and No and No and I Cannot

I didn't mean to go a full month without typing anything into this little box on the internet. I have written a lot of things in my mind, but the month got away from me in a flurry of houseguests (seven at once!), group travel arrangements, homeschool group facilitation, hosting our landlord and his partner for dinner, and all sorts of other little things that got done only because I made a lot of lists. I am quite certain that I forgot to do a few things which may or may not be important. I suppose I'll find out what those are when someone lets me know. But for now, I think things are quieting down a little. I sent Z off to camp yesterday, and that marked the end of some big tasks I've been working on. Now I am going to direct my efforts toward a new endeavor.

In short, I am working on being better at saying no.  Also at saying I quit, but in a kinder way than that. These years with my children are fleeting, and now more than ever I see the value in reserving the best of myself and my efforts for the benefit of my little family. I don't want to come to them exhausted and out of sorts; I don't want them to remember me primarily as a frustrated person who was always too busy to enjoy them and to nurture them. Of course I sometimes need to be busy, and sometimes there will be people who need me more than they do. But overall, these are the years that are meant to belong to nurturing their hearts and spirits, and helping them grow into adults who are at peace with themselves and ready to make their own way in the world. If that is my focus, then I need to jettison some things which are preventing me from doing this job well.

I envy people who say no with ease. They opt out of things which I feel obligated to do, moving on with their lives as if the world will still spin and things will still get done if they do not do them. When I say no, I feel I must explain why and apologize a lot, then possibly offer to do an alternate task to make up for it. I think this is due in part to knowing how hard it is to find people who are willing to help out with tedious tasks, and also due to a misguided sense of what it means to serve. It occurred to me lately that sometimes I am serving those who really don't need my service. They want it, sure, but the question of need is a firm nope.

I do want to serve those who are in need of what I have to offer. As it is unhealthy for me to spend too much of myself on those outside my family who are vying for my attention, so it would also be unhealthy for my children to think they are the only people who matter. So now I ask myself a few questions. First, is this something that is necessary, or is it just for the fun and convenience of those who have plenty of fun and convenience as it is? If it is necessary, am I the best person for the job? If I do not do it, and no one else steps forward, will that leave a gap which will cause harm or distress? If the task is unnecessary, or if there is someone else better suited to do it, then I can say no with confidence. I can quit doing things which really do not require my efforts. And I'm in the process of doing that with a number of tasks. It is uncomfortable for me. I don't like having to do it. But on the other side, I see an opportunity to serve better. I can't give more in ways that matter if I don't give less in ways that don't.

There are things I know I will continue to do, to say a confident yes to. That's part of this process as well, recognizing those things which are working really well for me, for my family, and for others. I will continue to facilitate the homeschool group and be the parish council secretary. I arranged the group travel for the camp Z is attending, and I'll likely do that again if the people in charge of such things were happy with my work this year. I am 100% on board to continue my cat job. But beyond that, well, I make no guarantees.

This Here, This Now

I'm sitting here in my quiet house, on the last Saturday I know I'll be alone here for the summer. I hurried through my morning errands partly because it is going to be hot today, and I wanted to be done before the heat really set it, but mostly because these hours are part of what helps me restore my equilibrium when life gets hectic.

Which is not to say that restoring my equilibrium is the be all end all. It's not. I know that. There are so many serious things going on in the world, so many people only wanting their basic needs to be met, for their humanity to be recognized and respected. So I am doing what I can for them, but I know it's not a lot. It's not enough. Some coins in cups, a meal from Tesco, a chat on the weekend, an online donation to bail someone out. We all need to work together for it to be enough, pressure those in power to do better. I think it's important, too, to recognize our own privileges and work to extend those privileges to others. Maybe we can sacrifice a bit of our own comfort for others; I know I could do this. I think about it a lot.

In our family life, we have been quite fortunate. None of us have stories that are without pain, but right now we all seem to have reached a place of contentment. I know this comes and goes, but honestly, this is the best it's ever been. It feels easy in a way it hasn't before. I see my kids growing, learning, making their peace with things on their own terms. They are so good to and for each other - they fight, and they'll tell you that themselves, but overall they support and care for one another in a way that I have hoped that they would. They are both growing into such wonderful people, and I am so proud of who they are.

And in other ways, too, life is easy. Nearly everything that we want materially, we have. Oh, sure, we need to wait to buy some bigger ticket items. We still need to stick to our budget, and I still shop the sales. But we get the groceries we want and have extra leftover for treats. If there's something we need to replace, it's no big deal to just do it. We have a holiday booked for the autumn, paid for in full, without a lot of stress. It's not always been that way, and I am not taking this for granted. If anything, there is an undercurrent of wondering if it's all too good to be true. This life, this family, this home in this city. Every night I think of all the things I am grateful for, and I say thanks. There are a lot of things to be grateful for; I fall asleep before I am done.

So now the question is, what do I do when I wake in the morning, having fallen asleep knowing I have been blessed beyond what I deserve? Honestly, sometimes I wake up and I do all the things I know are right and good, and some days I do not. But the work ahead of me is to tip the scales always toward using what I have - not just materially, but my own sense of peace and comfort - to make things better for others. I don't know what that will look like beyond what I already do. But I know that there is a purpose to having all this goodness in my life, and the purpose is not to hoard it. I am lucky, maybe I can make others luckier still.

The Reframe as a Means of Stress Relief

I worked eleven days straight doing cat jobs, finished on Saturday, then had a full Sunday. We've had slow mornings the four days since, and I am grateful for this. Our afternoons speed things up, and I feel like getting dinner on the table is at somewhat of an internal fever pitch for me. I'm trying to reframe things so I don't feel so much stress about it - I mean, no one in the family seems to care how quickly I get dinner on the table but me, so it's not anyone else's issue.

As my business grows, I am trying to figure out many small sources of stress that I can eliminate or at least reframe, in order to keep most of my energy free for my paying job and my parenting job. And let's face it - when one is a parent, a lot of sources of stress just need to be reframed. For instance, I am not going to reject all invitations to outdoor parties because they're too stressful for me. We'd be declining a lot of invitations to parties if we did so, because it seems that I am one of the few people who is not keen on a party in the park.

But seriously: I am not keen on parties in the park. Is that weird? I don't know. I think it's either weird of me, or other people are lying about how much they like these types of parties. I do like the part where E runs wild with a bunch of other kids, because it makes her extremely happy and also helps her fall asleep quickly that night. I like the part where our friends are happy we've come to celebrate with them. But other than that? Meh. No thanks. If I attend a party, what I really want is a comfortable seat, a plate of food, possibly a beverage, and not to have to awkwardly hover nearby and decide whether or not to introduce myself to someone who is also awkwardly hovering. In parks, there is a lot more space to awkwardly hover. It pains me.

But I've got a plan for reframing this and for making it more comfortable for myself in the future. First of all, I need to plan ahead. I ended up taking E to a party in a park on Sunday, and it was all very last minute. I had originally left the decision up to J, who is not as much of a planner as I am, and he was being his usual laid back self and hadn't let me know he'd decided when suddenly, friends were offering to take E with them in their car, and they needed to leave ASAP. Because J was sorting the bookstall after liturgy, I was the one who ended up in the room where it happened, and I ended up making the final decision without a lot of time to think it over or discuss with J. Thus felt that I should be the one to commit to go to the party with E, since J didn't end up having the final say.

At that point, any or all of us could've shown up later, but J and Z decided not to go. On the way home (home! my favorite!) they also stopped at Starbucks (alas, for a peppermint mocha to ease my party struggles!), and it felt like a giant insult. I'm not keen on feeling resentment toward my husband or kid(s), so I know that in the future, I can't leave things to the last minute.

Second, I am adjusting my view to embracing these types of activities as taking one for the team. Or for multiple teams. Family team, friend team, kid team. I do not need to like everything I do, and sometimes it is really nice to do something for someone else. I have had lovely conversations with others at outdoor parties, and sometimes the food has been amazing. Also, there is the aforementioned joy and delight experienced by my youngest child in particular. So it is certainly not all bad, and again, I can take one for the team(s).

Third, I am planning ahead for my comfort. On Sunday, I had absolutely nothing with me. No food, no coffee, no picnic blanket, nothing. I had at least dressed comfortably, knowing that it was a possibility I'd end up at the party. But in the future, I need to put my own snacks in my bag and maybe a bottle of iced coffee. Even if I don't know for sure if we are going, I can put these things in my bag as insurance.

I realize this may seem strange to a lot of you. But I am guessing that a lot of you are also nodding along. (High fives to my fellow planners!) It's ok to be someone who does not go with the flow very easily, and it's also ok to be someone who doesn't like something that a lot of people are really into, like parties in parks. We can learn and grow and adjust. And sometimes? We can just stay home and let others have their fun.

Cats! Cats! Cats!

I am in the middle of day three of eleven of cat work. Or, as I like to call it, professional cat lady-ing. The jobs seem to come in spurts, and this suits me. For this run I've got three different clients, and there is a bit of overlap, but nothing unmanageable. Tomorrow will be the busiest, with two clients both morning and evening. And then it tapers off for a few days, picks up for a few days, and then I'll be done. For morning jobs, I've got to get the work done before Jarod needs to leave for work, and as a non-morning person, this is a challenge. However, I am a professional cat lady, so I do what I have to do.

I have been surprised at the amount of business I have been getting - I am one of the higher priced cat sitters in my area, so I assumed I'd get a couple of people who were really into their cats and wanted a proper cat lady to come look after their cats, but mostly people would choose someone more affordable. Well! I am happy to find that I was wrong. In fact, if business continues to pick up, I'll start having to make actual business decisions, like about how many days I am willing to work in a row, and then how much of a break I want in between. As it stands now, I will likely need to file taxes next year, which I honestly did not think would happen. It's good to be surprised! And I do like that people trust me with their cats and in their homes, and choose me above a bargain.

This work is a gift to me, and I won't pretend that it's not. It's been a gift to our family as a whole, really, because it allows us a little more financial breathing room, and we have been able to purchase some things that we've wanted and/or needed but have not been able to afford. That said, it's still just a side hustle. My main occupation remains home education and facilitating various things that allow us to have a good family life and for the kids to develop the skills they need to flourish as adults. This work will always take a backseat to that, and this is what I am keeping in mind as I make my professional cat lady business decisions for the future.

In Pursuit of a Little More Quiet

We've just returned from the annual church conference. It's basically a bunch of people from our Orthodox Christian Deanery that get together at a conference center outside the city and listen to talks and have discussions based on a theme. There is a children's program, which I now help plan and carry out, somewhat under duress (kidding but not kidding, if you know what I mean), but this year I made the time to listen to a couple of the talks and to attend the icon workshop. Being raised Protestant, my knowledge of and appreciation for icons was nonexistent before I became Orthodox myself, and even after ten years I still have a lot to learn. What I do know is that I love icons, and that I want to learn more about them, so signing up for this workshop was the thing to do. Above is my practice drawing the lines of icons. The goal with the hands is that they wouldn't look like a bunch of bananas. I think I was somewhat successful, but I need more practice, and I must make time for that practice.

I am trying gradually to make more space in my life for a variety of things which are enriching to me both emotionally and spiritually. The challenging part of this is that, having proved myself reliable and capable, I get asked to do a lot of things, and while I have gotten good at saying no, I am not good at ending things which are not a good fit. I've gotten myself into a bit of a pickle because, in the past, I accepted some jobs which are leading to burnout, and for which I now know I am not well suited. So there are some opportunities ahead to grow as a person, to learn to gently but firmly assert what I can and cannot do.

The other challenging part is retaining my sense of the importance of these self-enriching pursuits in my life. So much cries out for my attention, and the easiest things to sideline are the things which matter only to me. In some ways, this is as it should be, but in other ways, it is not to anyone's advantage when I neglect to take time to settle my own heart and mind. I am also mindful that after so many years of intensity in our family life, I am in need of a rest for my spirit as well as for my body if I hope to continue to parent my children well, and then when they no longer need me, to offer of myself to a new pursuit of caring. When I think  of what I would like to do once my own children do not need me as much anymore, I know that I want to continue to offer care directly in some way to others. That will not happen if I am completely burned out. I must take this time, when my children's needs are not so big as they once were, but are still big enough that their care and education is my main occupation, to recalibrate, to find balance and rest.

So I am going to make space for creative, spirit-nurturing pursuits, ten minutes a day at minimum, hopefully more. If I am successful, this will result in a little drawing practice, a little more writing about things that are in my heart and on my mind, a little more time that is spent in quiet. And eventually, it will result in me feeling ready for whatever comes next.

This Latest Lesson

Hey! Here's another cat photo! You're welcome! (Seriously though, you're welcome. Look at that adorable snuggling! Teddy can't even breathe under there probably, but he is committed to the snuggle. Adorable.)

I've been meaning to write all week. I have so much to say. But it turns out that resting works, and so I keep resting instead of doing other things, including trying to string some words together at the end of the day.

I am finally well after many weeks of having a cold/flu/whatever. It was only rest that made a difference. I am learning a big life lesson about rest. I've already learned some big life lessons about food and exercise, and now rest is next.

It's actually just one life lesson, really. These things are all related. The lesson is this: I can trust my body. Yes, it's that simple. It turns out that my body will tell me what it needs and when it needs it. I don't need to follow a complicated system. It can actually be easy. Or simple, at least. It is never easy to quiet the voices I've heard all my life, that still try to clamor for my attention.

We are told in so many ways that we absolutely cannot trust our bodies. We are given the message that our bodies are something to conquer. Aging, weight gain, the potential for illness. We must be ever vigilant! But is this vigilance, this conquering, actually good? For me, no. I have fought against my body for far too long. I have chosen to nurture it instead. I have been given this one body, and it is a good body. It was made well, and I can trust what it is telling me.

I want to share more about what this has looked like for me, this shift from conquering to nurturing, and I will. It has taken a long time to come to this place. But I feel better than I have in years, especially mentally. My body is my friend, not my enemy. It is a gift.